Cyber Frustration

There was a time when I was very active in dating. Dare I say I was popular with the ladies. I was never a player and didn’t care for one-night stands and hurt feelings. Intimacy has always mattered to me and is a huge part of sexual attraction. Unlike most guys, I was always looking for my soul mate, not a hookup,even as a young man. Monogamy has never been a strained or difficult concept for me. Nor has fidelity, loyalty, sacrifice, and working harder when things are rocky.

I’m rapidly gaining on 60 years old and I’m still looking for my soulmate. I was married for 23 years but she wasn’t my soulmate. I don’t know if there is any way to say this that wouldn’t offend her if she read it, but I married her for all of the wrong reasons. One particularly big one is that I thought no one else would marry me. I didn’t settle, well in a way I did, I just made a safe decision. We have 4 wonderful children together so I can’t say that I regret marrying her, but I do have a lot of regrets. One is spending the last 10 years of our marriage on the sofa, in a relationship devoid of love, intimacy, and even friendship. But the children wanted me there, so that’s on me. I am 6 years divorced now, 4 of which were spent battling illness. When I wasn’t sick I was trying to put the rest of my broken life together.

But I’m past that now and I’m putting myself out there in the dreaded dating scene. I’m here to report that it’s worse for me now than it ever was. I haven’t made any sizable steps forward since I last dated in the early 90’s. At least then, without even delving into the difference in my looks and fitness, I could get away with not having it all together. Being broke, marginally employed, and living with your friend isn’t cute at my age. I know this because of the sheer lack of interest in me. My situation, as expected, is a bit difficult to sell to today’s woman.

I’ve been told that I’m hard on myself. It’s true to an extent. But I’m not commiserating about this, I’m just being realistic. I don’t know what women want but it’s not me. I’ve had dates, and a few short relationships. For some reason they fizzled out and it’s ok. No blame to be assigned, just not the right match. In fact, I don’t have difficulty meeting women. In person, I’m fine. There have been situations recently where I stepped out of my comfort zone and successfully asked someone out. I’m not bad-looking, especially factoring in the myriad medical problems I’ve had, and I can be charming when I let myself. About half the time, my lack of financial and job security is not a problem.

Now, the Lion’s share of my interaction with women is online, and let me tell you, there is nothing on this planet as unfair, superficial, or challenging to navigate as online dating. If you’re honest. And I am, as well as considerate. I create honest profiles, delicately and cleverly alluding to the fact that I am not where most men my age are financially. I’ve been told it’s a bad idea but I want to save someone the time and trouble of getting together only to learn it over Shrimp Cocktail and then ask for the check. You may think I’m exaggerating but I’m not. It is the rare woman that doesn’t want a successful, independent guy. Not to take care of them, but that they don’t have to take care of. I’ve been rejected over it. It’s a real thing and it can be hard on the old self-confidence.

It really all comes down to the “about you”. How do you explain yourself and what you want in life and out of another person in 120 characters or less? How do you approach someone when they list nothing about themselves? Is it superficial to reach out based on their looks if that’s all you have to work with? When you initiate a chat where do you start if you know nothing about them?
If you’re lucky they will list some interests, that is really where the connection is. Particularly when someone shares a passion of yours. For every “I love walks on the beach” (blah blah blah), there is the occasional “Winding roads on my Motorcycle” that tells you that you share something powerful. And that can be a conversation starter.

Which brings me to the worst part of dating sites (besides meeting up and realizing that the person is a liar who used a ten-year-old picture). The unanswered initial conversation and the abrubtly terminated chat. It is an emotional roller coaster to reach out to someone you are interested in and get no response. It happens on both ends, I have received many “likes” and comments from people that for one reason or another didn’t interest me. I hate to think that I may have hurt someone’s feelings and vice versa. The nicest option is to disregard it. That’s what they are doing to me. It’s part of putting yourself out there. It’s not nearly as bad as when you are chatting with someone and they suddenly stop answering. Am I the only person who would be perplexed or feel a bit rejected?It’s a frustrating process and it’s wearing on me.

I’m a really good person with a lot to offer, looking for someone that shares some interests and challenges me a bit. The likelihood of finding that on such a disingenuous platform seems unlikely. I think I may abandon the format altogether and return to my original plan of hoping that love will find me. It’s putting a lot of faith on serendipity and fate but it’s so much less of an emotional roller coaster for my personality.